identity

Do I exist? Am I a real living person? If I am real can I be seen? Is anyone else aware of me? Can they hear me when I speak? When I scream i frustration is it perceived? If it is perceived is it just ignored? Or just not comprehended? Am I even here? Does it even matter? If it matters and is perceived is everyone else deaf? If everyone else is not deaf why would they ignore something that matters? Do I have to scream louder? Does anyone know I am drowning? If they do, do they care?

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As The Petals Fall

Lei M'ama non M'ama as the petals fall i find uncertainty looming like a specter. The darkness it creates stalking my every step, but i steel myself to face down the dark because of the light. Its not a big light but the darkness fears its brilliance. M'ama non M'ama yet more petals fall while i contemplate. While i refuse to cower from uncertainty's icy hand. The world is only as dark as you let it be and i will amplify the brilliance of the light. M'ama non m'ama, penso lo sapete un giorno.

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going all in

Showing your hand is hard. I mean really the only time its not hard to show your hand is in poker and that's only when you've got a really good hand and even then there's a tense moment just before the other person shows their hand when you think "oh crap! What if they have a better hand than me? What if I lose? " unfortunately its no different in situations of romantic entanglement. Only its worse because there's hardly ever that confidence of a "good hand" for most of us. We just have to pick our moment and jump in and hope the other person doesn't look at our cards and fall over laughing at their clear inferiority. I wish i could say that i was different but unfortunately im not, i feel that fear that doubt just as much as anyone else i will concede that i control its effects on my decision making better than most but alot of times just controlling neurosis is a paralyzing task arresting your ability to do anything but obsess. Some of us are better at fighting this urge than others but all the same the matter stems from vulnerability. We spend so much of our time trying to prove and display how invulnerable we are that sometimes (actually most times in a lot of cases) we can't handle the vulnerability necessary for successful human to human contact and connection on a deeper level than just "you're hot. Yeah thanks you're hot too, we should totally get together and have sex." because its hard to let someone in, like really show them everything about yourself. But its also just as hard in some cases to accept someone for who they are and not who you think they should be or who you want them to be or worse the dream of the person you wish they were. Yes intimate human to human interaction is indeed tough business, yet its one of the most important things that we will ever do for ourselves on a personal level, which is find a mate. After puberty its all most of us can think about. And yet in the same breath most of us never really learn to express ourselves in a meaningful way. We never learn how to deal with that vulnerability. I'll tell you one thing though as soon as i figure out the secret i will be sure to share it with as many people as possible.

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my very first nightmare

It started with me in the keyshop innocuously enough but then i blinked and the keyshop was filled with racks of lingerie and single pieces of lingerie laying on the counter i asked "what the hell?" And the answer i got when i asked those responsible was "because we can". So i roamed a little around the keyshop and moved the racks as best i could and found the silver lining which was that at least hot girls would come into the keyshop more, But when i got into the back room againthe leader, dale, had changed into some gross pink shirt so i decided to leave out the back door of the keyshop.upon doing so I found that it was now a dense labyrinth of doors and hallways and while walking through i found my car smashed after clearly having been in an accident. then i started to hear church sounds coming from one of the doors and as i got closer to the door i heard two men conspiring to attack me, so i slammed a door on them and ran. they gave chase for a while but i lost them in the tangle of rooms, i then realized however that in losing them i had gotten myself lost. But i went on taking my usual view that i was on an adventure and would soon find my way out or to something fun.however as i went on the door designs got more ominous, as did the noises, but i wasn't scared yet just alert to my surroundings. Until finally i opened a door to a massive foyer with vaulted ceilings and a fountain. I started to go through this place assuming that it should somehow lead to an exit but the more rooms i found the more lost i became til i found a door with light shining underneath it relieved to find some hope of exit i opened the door to find that it actually opened to the guys that were chasing me before so i slammed and locked the door to find some other way out. I took a turn and found. inside this house, what looked like a construction area with these hybrid suv sized rollcage dune buggies doing donuts around what looked like a display for the vehicle. They finished that then drove away on some dirt in the opposite direction from the one i used so i followed them on foot and marveled at the size of the place and the number of workmen that were there. As i walked through i decided that i would ask one of the workmen to show me the exit. i found that they were all very rough looking and completely disinterested in me. But i soldiered on til i asked one who agreed thus we walked back into the finished house area through a door then down some stairs where half way through he showed me a window as evidence that we were going the right way. Then all of a sudden he grabbed me from behind i threw him over my shoulder but he got a grip on my arm and pulled me to a wall where we wrestled til i blocked a grab move only to have him use the momentum to grab my testicles very firmly and in a very deep and demonically projected voice he began to curse me and said "you will fall and fade and be blown away like the filthy sin and dirt that covers you and the soul of your species. the darkness is coming and you and all who follow you will be consumed." Then i woke up thoroughly disturbed.

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procrastinator

Like so many people that fall oh so perilously into my demographic i find that i have a serious problem with doing things before the absolute last moment that they can possibly be done. I think it starts with my overall view of the world and the fact that i usually remain unphased and generally untouched by the world and its various goings on. Most of the time i have no sense of urgency, often there is nothing that can not wait til i am in the mood to deal with it, which serves as a blessing and a curse. While typically when faced with a deadline my cool under pressure demeanour and attitude serve me pretty well i often cut it relatively close occasionally even failing outright. I think this issue stems from the lack of any real peril in everyday life, And i don't just mean this for myself. I think that we find reasons to raise our heart rates where we can. Creatures of basic instinct we are no matter how many tools we create. And the lack of peril or urgency contentment breeds apathy which is the close companion of procrastination. But i digress, without regard to the cause, a remedy must be found to help me and so many others function within the society we live. I fully intend to brainstorm this issue for a while til something comes up... I hope i don't forget

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Deep core drilling

I have decided that the process of me sharing my thoughts with the world through a none oral medium such as the written word is very much like deep core drilling, its long, hard and extremely hazardous to the well-being of everyone involved. But mostly its about overcoming my fear of being pretentious because in my mind it goes "who exactly are you? And why is it that you think it matters that your thoughts should be allowed to plague your fellow man?" and my final conclusion is... Screw it. This is for me not whomever chooses to spend their time listening to my pontification. So its time to commence the drilling and see what i come across.

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